Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Our Selves (Review)

Released March 2004 (Gospel Light and Regal Books) * 370 pages * ISBN 10: 0830734236

This book is written by two family therapists. Stoop is founder and co-director of his Center for Family Therapy. Masteller is co-director of the Center and a family therapist there. Stoops personal background includes growing up in a dysfunctional family.

The focus of the book is forgiveness. The authors are careful to distinguish forgiveness from forgetting. Forgetting is not a requirement, but forgiveness sets the adult child free. Interestingly, they point out that forgiveness is something that the adult child can do on their own and for themselves, but reconciliation involves the family and may or may not be possible. Many people confuse forgiveness, forgetting, and reconciling.

The authors use case studies to present their ideas. First, the different types of dysfunctional families and how they affect children are presented. Then the authors discuss skills that ACOAs and ACODs may not have learned as children because of their home situation. After that, they go through the steps to facilitate forgiveness. At the end they present several case studies on reconciliation although this last is a small part of the book.

At the back of the book, the authors have included a study guide with questions and exercises so that the reader can apply the book to their own issues.

pg. 107

Unwritten Rules

Children who grow up in dysfunctional families quickly learn the unwritten, unspoken rules of the household. Here are some that are especially common:

1. We don’t feel. We keep our emotions guarded, especially anger (though often there is one person who is allowed to express feelings openly, especially anger.
2. We are always in control We don’t show weakness. We don’t ask for help, which is a sign of weakness.
3. We deny what’s going on. We don’t believe our senses or perceptions. We lie to ourselves and to others.
4. We don’t trust. Not ourselves, not others. No one can be relied upon, no one confided in.
5. We keep the family’s secrets. Even if we told, no one would believe us—or so we think.
6. We are ashamed.We are to blame for everything bad that happens—and we deserve it.

pg. 179

The Six Steps of Forgiveness

1. Recognize the injury.
2. Identify the emotions involved.
3. Express your hurt and anger.
4. Set boundaries to protect yourself.
5. Cancel the debt.
6. Consider the possibility of reconciliation.

Despite the fact that this book was put out by a Christian publisher (usually a huge turn-off for me), there was very little religion in this book. There are case studies of biblical characters from time to time, but these are not that difficult to overlook. There are sections of the book where the authors go on a bit about the Christian ideal of a family, but these sections are short. The actual process described to achieve forgiveness does not rely on religion so this book is useful to all beliefs or lack of thereof.

This book is a good introduction to dysfunctional families and the healing process for adult children. I found the book very informative. I particularly appreciate the inclusion of the study guide at the end of the book. Reading about healing is one thing, doing the hard work of it is quite another. This book provides a guide and framework for doing the work.

I will be spending quite some time with this book. Now that I’ve read it, I have to go back and do the work (I did not find the study questions until I had finished the book since they are at the end of the book, even though they are grouped by chapter).